The severely egocentric require external constructs and rules to function, and assumes an acceptable identity for those they must depend on for their emotional, and eventual financial, support and survival.
It took all of two weeks for my ex to find a replacement after our 23 year relationship ended, which spawned 3 children (the youngest was 18 months at the time of our separation). She told me how proud she was of him and how I had failed her, on her way home from a camping trip at the exact same camping area that she and I had first gone to together 22 years before. She also told me that he was her confidant, her true soul mate, the most genuine person she’d ever met and that he had a robust retirement savings account. She has never changed or softened her posture in the last 3 years.
10 days after having moved out of the home that we both had built and designed together, I stopped by the house to pick up some clothes. Right in front of our 2 teenagers, with a smile on her face she told me that her life was fantastic now that I wasn’t in her life anymore.
My ex never paid the bills, never took any interest in financial matters (despite me begging her to help me), never planned a single vacation (which we took regulary and lavishly), never once was under budget for the few discretionary expenses that she was responsible for, and refused to assume any adult responsibilities for that matter. She agreed to a financial arrangement that consisted of two accounts, her money and our money. She did appreciate me bailing her out, every time that she ran out of money, which was every time I gave her money twice a month, during the entire length of our association.
At our divorce hearing, she asked the judge if her boyfriend could sit next to her and advise her (which the judge summarily dismissed, he slack-jawed at her gall), she went on to explain to the judge that I was irresponsible with money and that she was in fact a “Steward” of money. I think she was referring to her newly acquired savings account that consisted of an insurance payment that she kept, which was intended to reimburse us for the about $20k in electronics and jewelry that had been stolen from “our” house shortly before I moved out. It’s funny that she never offered to reimburse me with the proceeds, as the majority of what had been stolen was my personal computer equipment. I suppose it must’ve slipped her mind.
Her boyfriend, the sole member of the audience in attendance, was warned to settle down as he taunted me during my testimony during our divorce hearing, and warned that he’d be escorted out of the courtroom by the ballif if he failed to comply. She never mentioned the incident and glossed over it when I brought it up.
As she explained the breakup to our teenagers that mommy and daddy were now on “New Paths”, mystifying their troubled minds to astronomical levels, I sought out the assistance of a family therapist to help the kids emotionally through a very challenging time. She feigned appreciation, and did attend a few sessions with the kids, using the opportunity to let the kids know how hurt she was by their reactions to her actions.
One week after the ink was dry on our divorce decree, she used the therapist as leverage to explain to the kids that her new boyfriend would be moving into her house with them. This triggered immediate texts from my distraught daughter asking me to pick her up from the therapists office. The sessions ended up being more of a way for myself and the kids to strategize ways to interact with their narcicistic mother, but in the end my relationship with the kids has never been better.
I could write volumes of her consistent and continual shrugs, but the bottom line is she has not once offered up any sincere apologies to the kids or myself, but has on numerous occasions blamed them and me and let the kids know how thankful they should be for her strength and uncommon courage.
I suppose I’m venting, and I’ve truly processed this to the Nth degree, but when nearly every interaction, that I’ve chosen to enter into for the sake of maintaining my relationships and supporting my kids, is filled with a combination of pretension, contrivances and lies absent a single attempt to heal anything with myself or the kids, it tends to test my sanity!