Being Wrong

Why we like being right even though we’re wrong a lot of the time

From the time we are able to make our very first conscious choice, and then take our first action, we are told we are either wrong or right. At first we are often wrong but that doesn’t feel very good and those telling us we’re wrong obviously disapprove of us. We quickly realize that being right gets us praise and acceptance, and that does make us feel good. We are told, or we begin to develop the idea, that people that are wrong do poorly in school and work, get in trouble, are generally bad and lazy or end up unhappy or are foolish or whatever. Eventually even when we make a wrong decision we convince ourselves we are right; to maintain our security, safety and self-concept. Although we pay lip service to the fact that the human species is flawed, we continually fool ourselves into knowing we are right the vast majority of the time. If we become successful, or think we are at this self-delusion, we can become perfectionists and actually wall ourselves off from much of life. We must be perfect, we must be right so we shield ourselves from failure and do only those things that we think we know how to do rightly. We can even begin to see others, that push the boundaries, as dangerous and often delight in their perceived failures, thus cementing our rightness while sacrificing our chance to truly experience one of the most important blessings of life.

We all see the world through our own filter or lens. Our own unique lens is a creation of the beliefs we have chosen, the assumptions we make from those beliefs and then the inferences we conclude from those assumptions. If we have chosen to adopt the belief that we are always or mostly right, we sacrifice a great and uniquely human gift. Instead of actively striving to focus and clarify our lens, by searching for our wrongness and then adopting more empowering and insightful beliefs, we actively choose to distort and warp our lens for the preservation of our rightness. In this way, either consciously or unconsciously, we bind ourselves to a static or even regressive existence, our experiences are lessened, and we become vulnerable to isolation and poor relationships. In effect our, endowed blessing of choice, becomes hijacked by our ego.

As it relates to relationships, not allowing ourselves the gift of being wrong, can have devastating consequences. In fact we can’t even have a healthy relationship if we can not own up to our wrong doings. Two people can coexist, but if one or both of them can not be wrong, no empathy or real communication can take place. Only by having the courage to be vulnerable and admitting ones wrongs, can understanding, acceptance and love flourish and deepen. Absent our ability to actively search for and make right our wrongs, relationships fail or are at least diminished. When we can embrace are wrongs, and willingly take responsibility for them, our relationships are actually enhanced, trust builds and bonds strengthen. We learn the value of one another, we learn forgiveness, we learn compassion and acceptance. We are ultimately both made better as we more fully accept of ourselves and the other.

Being wrong is one of the most important things we can do to enhance the human experience! If we never pushed ourselves into the abyss of unknowingness, we would still be living in caves. Being wrong, or the willingness to be so, has catapulted our species forward in innumerable ways. From music to art to technology to sports to nearly everything that gives this life it’s color and uniqueness. One need only point to Einstein, or Edison, or Newton, or Washington, or on and on and on, to demonstrate that the willingness to err is quintessential for the advancement of the individual and our species. If we choose to be always right we choose a lessened experience, we lose. We should delight in our mistakes and be joyful in our wrongness. We are endowed with the ability to step back and look at ourselves and our choices. If we can be honest with ourselves and recognize and admit our wrongness and failures, we can move forward. To live rightly is to be wrong!

Why Smart People Make Dumb Decisions!

Why Smart People Make Stupid Decisions

“Enlightenment is man’s leaving his self-caused immaturity.
Immaturity is the incapacity to use one’s intelligence without the guidance of another. Such immaturity is self-caused it is not caused by lack of intelligence, but by lack of determination and courage to use one’s intelligence without being guided by another.”
Immanuel Kant

How many times have you said or heard said, “you’re a smart guy, why did you do that?” Or some variation of that phrase. Why do people, who are considered smart, do things and make decisions that seem so stupid sometimes? It seems that the paragon of all endowments is intelligence. All parents want, and believe, that their children are smarter than most. We want the smartest person to make or help us make vital decisions in all facets of our lives. The thing is being smart, although it can be advantageous, doesn’t mean one is wise or possess true knowledge! We are human but we are also animals biologically. While we think we make our most important decisions based on sound, reasonable or smart thinking, the reality is most of our decisions are based on emotions or made unconsciously for us by our fears or the beliefs that we unconsciously accept as gospel.

Our brains are wired to make emotionally based decisions. Our limbic system, sometimes referred as our reptilian brain, receives our perceptions before our neocortex has an opportunity to assess and make sense of the information. The limbic system is where our emotions come from. We are designed this way for survival. When a Saber Tooth Tiger is chasing you it matters little how smart or logical we are, we need to get the Fuck out of there! The thing is though, we humans are gifted with the opportunity of choice and self reflection. We can observe our observations. This is an enormous blessing but too few of us have taken the time to develop this ability. Just like an infant, that prefers to crap in its own pants, until taught not to, as adults we prefer to do what we feel like whenever we want to until we learn how to make the right choices for ourselves. This can only be accomplished by taking the time, and having the courage, to become self-aware. We must go inside and get to know ourselves, what we fear, what we are good at, what we are not, what we believe, what fuels our passions, what we truly need, etc. With deliberate and honest introspection, we eventually become more and more self-aware. We begin to know ourselves, to accept ourselves, to love ourselves and self-confidence and self-mastery can ultimately be attained. Then we can all make good decisions regardless of our intellectual prowess or god given processor speed.

In our current mindset, we as a culture are much more externally focused. We focus on results, competition and teaching our children what we think they need to survive and thrive in the world. We teach them the skills that allow them to make money and have things. We are more impressed by our neighbors retirement savings, or square footage of their house, than how developed or truly happy they are! We pay relatively little attention to the most important skills and achievements like self-awareness, critical thinking, and existential things like the meaning of life and so forth. It shouldn’t be a big mystery then why we are over medicated, depressed, anxious and stressed out of our gourds as a species! We are doing things because we were told to, because that is the way to do them, because it’s the path to success and happiness. We’re not really sure “why” because we don’t know ourselves! We are therefore, Ill prepared at handling challenges, fostering healthy relationships and achieving true happiness.

So, smart people make stupid decisions because they are on autopilot! They might be able to split a fucking atom with a spoon and duct tape but they can’t make good self-aware life decisions, have terrible relationships, need antidepressants to function and can barely make it through a work week! Divorce is the norm, we are generally unhappy, we daydream about moving to a tropical island, the key to it all is always lies somewhere out there. Once I have enough money then I’ll be happy, once I get that promotion, if I only had a more loving husband, the list goes on and on. If we would spend a fraction of the time we do on learning the skills that we think we need to survive and thrive in this cruel world, we’d already have all that we ever need! The internal victory of ones self and the development of our unique human brains is the key to wisdom, smart choices and happiness. We’ve spent so little time and effort on developing our god given human abilities because that just isn’t important, making money and keeping up with the Joneses is!

How to Avoid Arguments

Loving and Passionate Relationships! Avoiding Arguments.  

If you as an individual follow the these recommendations you can avoid the pitfalls that cause so much pain, separation and broken lives! 

The bottom line is that great relationships don’t just happen, they must be built consciously and worked on for life!

If you’re not consciously aware of yourself and your relationship it will be like a leaf on the wind, who knows where it will end up? 

When it does end you’ll catch yourself saying things like, “we grew apart”, or “we have different paths now” or “are journey has ended”, or any number of other mystified and unaware banal platitudes. 

If there was ever a true bond, an important connection and true love it must be nurtured to last and to grow. 

Why do couples argue? 

 We argue to be right, for control, to make the other as we want or need them to be, or when we can’t accept responsibility or accept ourselves. 

We argue when we are not putting our loves needs before our own! 

 Never look to anyone as your primary source of happiness, security, purpose, or validation. 

Be responsible for yourself so you can add to the relationship. 

Have your own interests and achieve yourself.  No developed Self no relationship possible!

Do not sacrifice your own self, your best self enhances the relationship, so develop your own skills and your self confidence will flourish! 

The importance of forgiveness and to not to hold on to resentments can not be overstated! Forgiveness is mandatory for growth and love. 

Resentments poison your soul and ultimately the relationship! 

Don’t bury things because you’re actually planting seeds that will grow into eggshells that can explode if accidentally walked upon! 

Discuss and resolve issues lest they derail you in the future. 

Be Vulnerable! Opening yourself up may seem to be the scariest thing ever but trust me there is a prize of great value when we summon the courage to do so!  

When you more honestly reveal yourself you mate can see you, have compassion for you, accept you deeper and love you more profoundly! 

 Love is reciprocal. Give it and receive it, this keeps it flowing. Give love often and never withhold any kindness nor reject any kindness. No relationship management techniques or marriage counselors are required if you keep this cycle flowing! It is reinforcing and the habit of love is a great habit to acquire!

Romantic relationships must have two self aware and self confident people to last and flourish. 

Be responsible for your own development and foster an accepting environment where you and your mate can grow without the fear of being judged for trying! 

Grow together! Don’t fall into the trap of becoming a Married Single! 

Deliberately find activities that you both enjoy doing together. The more interactive and engaging the activity the better. This strengthens your bond and the more passion you both have for this the stronger your bond becomes!

Wisely choose your battles! If it connects good, if it separates bad!

Maintain your passion and desire for each other by actively distancing yourself regularly. 

Notice the things that attracted you from the very beginning, the smile, the humor, the confidence, the charm, the charisma! The demands of life can tend to dampen the flames of our desire for each other in the bedroom, when this fades too much so does your love. 

The power of building walls. Very destructive! Tear them down! Become an expert at demolishing not a skilled builder! Walls block connection, vulnerability opens connection. 

Beliefs can empower you or destroy you. Your critical thinking prowess must continually be refined. Love is understanding your mate, how they see the world, what they need to feel love! 

The ego is subtle yet so Powerful when we give it reign to control our minds. It sees only what it wants to. Egos separate and never truly connect or communicate. Egos battle for control! 

Never try to control!, for the effects of trying to control lead to separation!

Love can only flourish with acceptance and seeing the best in the other. 

Accept your mate completely worts and all!

You can lead a horse to water and you can fool yourself into believing that they’ve drunk it. Be gentle and patient.

Control over anything outside yourself is foolish. Detachment of your wants and expectations frees you from self induced pain. Things will happen good and bad! Accept it and continue to do your best. Don’t let your energy be drained by things you can’t control. Our energy is vital for us to function at our best. Patch energy leaks when they are brought to your awareness! 

Give up the need to be right! This is the source of much agony and it separates. If you find yourself arguing the facts, not listening and formulating your next thought before the other has finished speaking, take a breath and calm yourself. Re-engage when you are calm. 

Never put your shit on another and don’t let them put their shit on you! Don’t project your issues onto your mate, and don’t let your mate cast their spells onto you!


How many times have you heard someone comment about another, they just don’t make good choices, or I like him but I’ve never agreed with his choices, or I wished she made better choices? So many it seems, are concerned with the choices that others make. Of course these catch phrases are but lame and euphemistic mind tricks that allow us to covertly judge others while sounding concerned for their welfare and happiness. We have become skilled practitioners, at least we think we have, in the use of accepted yet banal phrases that allow us to rank, subjugate, condemn and categorize others while sounding ever so accepting and wise. We are in fact fooling ourselves as we perniciously gossip, no different than people have done since the first three humans were conversing and the first one walked away, now we just do it with more a tad bit more sophistication and with more elegant eloquent prose.

The words or phrases that we employ really don’t matter, it’s the intention behind them that gives our thoughts and comments their potency. Are we attempting to connect and understand others or are we attempting to separate from them? Are we wanting to draw others closer to us or is our intention to push them away and label them as bad, while subtly positioning ourselves into the superior person? So much talk about how he did this and what she did and with whom. So many wasted hours on fatuous banter and so little time trying to see the other, their struggles and their wounded spirit.


The most attractive,and dare I say the sexiest, quality any person can acquire is a sense of true self-confidence.
Not an insecure arrogance or a rehearsed and phony wit. But a palpable honesty an openness and charm not swayed by popular opinion but their own yet known by all.

Relationship Acceptance

“In the absence of bravely journeying inward and taming the beast
that we find crouching in the shadows, life itself is merely a shadow!”
-The Redneck Molar Mechanic

When we have taken the time, had the experiences, formed a true bond and pledged our love and soul, accepting those things, that are less than ideal in our partner, is at the very root of Acceptance. When things are going well acceptance is relatively easy. However when challenges present themselves, those less than ideal “things”, can become quite amplified. Every one of us is flawed, everyone would readily agree with this statement. But it seems that the length of tether in which we allow our partner to stray, from the way we “Need” them to behave, is incredibly variable in we humans. We often expect more from our partner when it comes to our own emotional, and other, needs. The degree to which we need our partner, to behave as we have prescribed, speaks to our own level of security or dependency on our mate. Must our partner, strictly adhere to our vision of who we think they should be, or can we afford them the latitude they so desperately need to be themselves, to mess up, to grow, or to go through pain required to learn? Within a committed relationship, where all of the challenges of life are in full force, it is imperative, if the union is to survive, that both participants fully accept one another. Acceptance is then a component of love, of understanding, of giving, of growing, of learning, of empathizing, etc. The challenges, of this life, are what give life it’s very meaning! This is when we grow, when our love deepens, when we gain knowledge and wisdom, when we truly learn Commitment and instruct our children. These lessons are invaluable and are requisite for true and lasting bonds. By persevering through the challenges of life we strengthen, not only the mutual bond between two tender and fledgling souls, but the very fabric of humanity.

When we can’t even accept ourselves, how could we possibly accept our partner? When we are young and enter into marriage we are very rarely complete human beings, as it relates to acceptance of the self, let alone of our partner. In their infancy, relationships are fueled mostly by infatuation and excitement. When that fuel is spent the real work begins. In preceding generations, people got married and stay married. Wether these lasting unions were successful due to the stigma of divorce, the influence of Christian ideals or the lack of career opportunities for women, the fact is they tended to last. People found a way to make it through the trials and tribulations of life within the confines of the marriage. As a result of these achievements, many gifts were and, have been, bestowed on the couple, their offspring and society. Things like commitment, hard work, acceptance, communication, perseverance, family strength, love, giving, etc, were realized and reinforced. The Greatest Generation, as it has become to be known, buttressed this nation and their example strengthens us still today. Not every marriage that endured was perfect or a shining example but overall the effect of truly committing had, and continues to have, a very positive influence on our society. One can speculate and blame many shifts in society for the large spike in divorces since that time, but the net result has not been a positive one. Today divorce is our example and the norm. The message is quit, the grass is greener, you can always start over, etc. I wonder if the escape module, that divorce often is, will have as positive an impact as did The Greatest Generation?


Boundaries are Healthy limits. The more the person is susceptible to the possible pain from what others may throw at them then the more boundaries (or walls) they need construct. If a person has self-awareness and sees the best in others they tend to be more resistant to the potential pain that others may attempt to cast upon them. Having the discernment to know what is real and what is BS allows the self-aware, and less egocentric individual, to weather the storm when the other is functioning at a lower level. When you Know someone and have loved them, and they you, you Know when they are in pain and lashing out in weakness. If you can allow yourself to feel true compassion for the one you love then the arrows they launch, when they are in pain, fall short of inciting a retaliatory attack. Egos attack and feel attacks very easily!

I have personally been told and diagnosed by several people that choose to attribute, my alleged weak Boundaries and therefore weakness in general, to a flaw in my psyche. While I think that this would be a “Common” misdiagnosis for those with a more limited understanding or who have read about the importance of boundaries in the lay journals or a simple book, it is the exact opposite of what they suppose. It takes far greater strength and integrity, to ones beliefs, to weather the ego blows and to wrestle with others egos, for the sake of love and connection, than it does to write one off or apply remedial thinking to protect ones limited thinking and self-image. Not everyone protects their egocentric self so jealously, some of us are actually open and aren’t drained of our energy reserves when we see the other with love and as their best self. Common sayings such as, “don’t say something you’re going to regret” or “you can’t take back words once you’ve said them”, are true if that is your mentality but they are only used by the less aware to justify the offenses they so readily take on. The less aware individual, by projecting their own viewpoint onto the other, assumes it is not possible to have such a healthy mentality. They are left with no choice but to assign the more self aware with a flippant psychobabble diagnosis.

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